CharlieDean

I can’t think of a single book that I like or recommend on marriage. Until now.

Up to this point, every single book I’ve read on marriage has been a Christian book on marriage. I hope that there are exceptions, but in every case of the books I’ve read, it seems that Christian marriage books are too often overly-simplistic and blatantly seek to assign traditional, patriarchal marriage roles. Case in point, I read the first chapter of the wildly popular Love and Respect because they was so much hype in the evangelical world. I put it down after the first chapter because I couldn’t relate. As a modern, egalitarian man I couldn’t buy into their strict gender-specific stereotypes. (To be fair, the book is probably popular in the evangelical culture, because the stereotype is so prevalent.)

A friend, who just retired as a counselor recommended Terrence Real’s The New Rules of Marriage, and I loved it. I found myself reading sections to Jennifer and applying it to how we understand our relationship. And it resonated with various pastoral counseling sessions I’ve found myself in – I only wish that I had much more training in this school of marriage counseling, so I could be of assistance to couples who don’t find answers to their marital problems in the traditional gender roles of the conservative evangelical church.

To be clear, I’m not critiquing the evangelical church at this point. What I’m saying is that it just doesn’t work for me – and if my experience is to be trusted – it doesn’t work for many young couples – especially if they weren’t reared in the Christians subculture – if they don’t accept “male headship” as it’s popularly taught. What Real understands is that our culture has changed significantly since the 50′s and while the typical 50′s marriage was based on compatibility and companionship couples today – especially women – are looking for something more in their marriage, namely intimacy.

“The new marriage takes the stability, the building of a life together, that was the whole of marriage a generation ago, and grafts onto it the expectations of a lifelong romance – deep talks, exiting times, and great sex.”

And according to Real, most couples have no models to look to or skill sets to create a mutually intimate relationship. I think that some may find the book somewhat clinical, but there are enough stories of real-life couples to keep it interesting! I highly recommend this book!

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